highschoolcoach
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Only a satirist would dare to say what many know.
http://www.thebrushback.com/Archives/eradicated_full.htm
MIAMI--History was made Sunday night when two black head coaches, Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith, went head to head in a Super Bowl for the first time. The game represented a major breakthrough for African-Americans in sports, and pushed the NFL one step closer to a glorious future in which whites will be eradicated from the game completely.
Despite the landmark achievement, Commissioner Roger Goodell says there's still a great deal of work to be done.
"Today is a great day for the NFL and it's a great day for civil rights," Goodell said during the pre- game show. "Having two black head coaches in the Super Bowl is something to be celebrated by everybody in America. But our enthusiasm should be tempered by the fact that there is still work to be done. Have we made progress? Yes. Have we reached our goal yet? No. Not until every ounce of Caucasian blood is eradicated from the NFL will we have reached our goal. See you later, whitey! It was a nice run, but now it's time to pass the baton. You'll always have the X-Games."
Goodell pointed out several examples from Sunday's game of the "sobering lack of diversity" that still plagues the NFL.
"The Colts offensive coordinator is white, and so is the Bears offensive coordinator," said Goodell. "The two quarterbacks, Peyton Manning and Rex Grossman, are also white. And how about that Colts line? Is that an NFL offensive line or the cast of How I Met Your Mother? Talk about a white-out. You could go blind looking at them. "
In an effort to speed up the diversity campaign, the NFL has unveiled a plan to cleanse itself of white people by the year 2020. One of the highlights is a new variation of the Rooney Rule that will require every owner to fire at least one white assistant per year. The rule is expected to go into effect next season and has been applauded around the league as a "step forward."
"It's about time they take some proactive steps to promote more black head coaches," said Vikings offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell, who is white. "This country is founded on the notion of equality, and we will all benefit from this rule change. In fact, I hope I get fired first. I'm an okay coach and all, but I'm not breaking down any barriers or inspiring anybody, so what good am I? I'm just...coaching. And I'm barely even doing that. Did you see our offensive this year? You could replace me with Art Shell and still be better off."
In addition, the plan requires teams to replace their old, antiquated white GM's with hip new black ones. Each team has exactly one year to come into compliance before being hit by fines and sanctions.
"NFL front offices are really the last stranglehold of white domination," said Steelers owner Dan Rooney, head of the league's diversity committee. "That's why we're trying this new approach. By this time next year, there won't be a white GM anywhere in the league. And then we can turn our focus to the final frontier: ownership. I'm planning on giving my team away to an African American. You know any that want to own a football team?"
Fresh from his Super Bowl victory, Colts coach Tony Dungy is basking in the glory of being the first African-American coach to win the big game. However, Dungy also cautioned about making too much of the accomplishment.
"I'm very proud of being able to break down this barrier, but it's not like the moon landing or anything," Dungy said after the game. "So let's just all calm down, take a deep breath, and refrain from choking to death on all the hype. Oh, and white people: Please stop sucking up to us. We get it. You're not racists. Enough with all the grandstanding. I never realized breaking down racial barriers could be so tedious. I just pray that I never become the commissioner."
Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.
http://www.thebrushback.com/Archives/eradicated_full.htm
MIAMI--History was made Sunday night when two black head coaches, Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith, went head to head in a Super Bowl for the first time. The game represented a major breakthrough for African-Americans in sports, and pushed the NFL one step closer to a glorious future in which whites will be eradicated from the game completely.
Despite the landmark achievement, Commissioner Roger Goodell says there's still a great deal of work to be done.
"Today is a great day for the NFL and it's a great day for civil rights," Goodell said during the pre- game show. "Having two black head coaches in the Super Bowl is something to be celebrated by everybody in America. But our enthusiasm should be tempered by the fact that there is still work to be done. Have we made progress? Yes. Have we reached our goal yet? No. Not until every ounce of Caucasian blood is eradicated from the NFL will we have reached our goal. See you later, whitey! It was a nice run, but now it's time to pass the baton. You'll always have the X-Games."
Goodell pointed out several examples from Sunday's game of the "sobering lack of diversity" that still plagues the NFL.
"The Colts offensive coordinator is white, and so is the Bears offensive coordinator," said Goodell. "The two quarterbacks, Peyton Manning and Rex Grossman, are also white. And how about that Colts line? Is that an NFL offensive line or the cast of How I Met Your Mother? Talk about a white-out. You could go blind looking at them. "
In an effort to speed up the diversity campaign, the NFL has unveiled a plan to cleanse itself of white people by the year 2020. One of the highlights is a new variation of the Rooney Rule that will require every owner to fire at least one white assistant per year. The rule is expected to go into effect next season and has been applauded around the league as a "step forward."
"It's about time they take some proactive steps to promote more black head coaches," said Vikings offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell, who is white. "This country is founded on the notion of equality, and we will all benefit from this rule change. In fact, I hope I get fired first. I'm an okay coach and all, but I'm not breaking down any barriers or inspiring anybody, so what good am I? I'm just...coaching. And I'm barely even doing that. Did you see our offensive this year? You could replace me with Art Shell and still be better off."
In addition, the plan requires teams to replace their old, antiquated white GM's with hip new black ones. Each team has exactly one year to come into compliance before being hit by fines and sanctions.
"NFL front offices are really the last stranglehold of white domination," said Steelers owner Dan Rooney, head of the league's diversity committee. "That's why we're trying this new approach. By this time next year, there won't be a white GM anywhere in the league. And then we can turn our focus to the final frontier: ownership. I'm planning on giving my team away to an African American. You know any that want to own a football team?"
Fresh from his Super Bowl victory, Colts coach Tony Dungy is basking in the glory of being the first African-American coach to win the big game. However, Dungy also cautioned about making too much of the accomplishment.
"I'm very proud of being able to break down this barrier, but it's not like the moon landing or anything," Dungy said after the game. "So let's just all calm down, take a deep breath, and refrain from choking to death on all the hype. Oh, and white people: Please stop sucking up to us. We get it. You're not racists. Enough with all the grandstanding. I never realized breaking down racial barriers could be so tedious. I just pray that I never become the commissioner."
Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.
