2014 MLS team previews

Discussion in 'Soccer' started by Phall, Mar 5, 2014.

  1. Phall

    Phall Mentor

    Sep 19, 2012
    The American pro soccer league kicks off this weekend. The MLS remains rather micromanaged from its administrative tier, for better or worse. The league continues to grow progressively un-American, with foreigners accounting for nearly 55% of rosters last year. There are still plenty of bright spots, and the skill level has improved each season. Zero minority managers, a jewish commissioner, and the first openly homosexual pro athlete ensure that there is still much social engineering to be accomplished... or rather, that there is still something viscerally pleasing left to be gleaned.

    Physiognomy is even more nebulous than in European leagues, with players imported from all four corners of the earth into the "melting pot." I'll try to keep it simple with five racial classifications of projected starters, aiming for a handful of teams at a time. In no particular order, here are the CF previews for the 19 teams.

    Columbus Crew
    New manager Gregg Berhalter is a former US national team defender. Argentine Federico Higuain, brother of the world-class striker, is the star of the show and will be expected to score and facilitate. Michael Parkhurst returns to the States with national team experience under his belt. The team is not expected to contend for any titles, however.

    Projected Starters:
    White: (6) Higuain, Clark, Parkhust, Trapp, Anor, Williams
    Whitish: Meram
    black: Oduro, Francis, Tchani
    mestizo: Gonzales

    Colorado Rapids
    The Rapids enter the season without a full-time manager. Dillon Powers is the reigning MLS rookie of the year. Drew Moor and Shane O'Neill are solid, young center backs in front of goalkeeper Clint Irwin, one of the league's best.

    Projected Starters:
    White: (6) Irwin, Moor, Powers, O'Neill, Sanchez, LaBrocca
    black: Brown, Klute, Chavez, Wynne
    mestizo: Torres

    Chivas USA
    This experiment is over; the league office has relieved the Mexican supremacist owners/invaders and assumed control of the team until it can be sold and re-branded, ideally by next year. Expect this fixture to be a cupcake for the majority of teams, and for its empty stadiums to drag down league attendance averages. Unfortunate spectators will be able to reminisce over Carlos Bocanegra's younger days and wonder if keeper Dan Kennedy would make national team camps if he played for a better squad.

    Projected Starters:
    White: (4) Kennedy, Bocanegra, McNamara, Pelletieri
    black: Jean-Baptiste, Moore
    mestizo: Rosales, Torres, Minda, Avila, Delgado

    FC Dallas
    Dallas will field yet another sub-par team with a heavy compliment of black Central Americans. After crashing to an 8th place finish in the competitive Western Conference, there is little reason to expect much better this time around. The only borderline White star is central defender George John, who has had his share of injury concerns. Young hopeful Walker Zimmerman will spell him to preserve a 3/4 White back line. Dallas pilfered manager Oscar Pareja from Colorado - as a fair-skinned Colombian, he is the closest thing MLS currently has to a minority boss.

    Projected Starters:
    White: (5) Diaz, Moffatt, John, Hedges, Loyd
    black: Escobar, Castillo, Thomas, Benitez
    mestizo: Perez, Fernandez

    Houston Dynamo
    Houston features three fringe US national team players in forward Will Bruin, goalkeeper Tally Hall, and the versatile Brad Davis. Unfortunately, that's about the end of the positives for the Pittsburgh Steelers of MLS. Bruin will help balance the dearth of White goal-scorers in the league, and Tally Hall will bail out his defense often enough to push this team toward a playoff spot.

    Projected Starters:
    White: (4) Bruin, Davis, Hall, Brunner
    black: Barnes, Clark, Creavalle, Boniek Garcia, Sarkodie, Ashe, Taylor

    Montreal Impact
    Montreal preserves its
    aesthetically-appealing core of Italian and Argentinian players. Stalwart poacher Marco Di Vaio remains one of the most effective forwards in the league, liable to lead the table in both goals and offsides calls. Hernan Bernardello arrives on a designated player contract to anchor the midfield. Touted rookie Eric Miller could spell anywhere on the back line. Andres Romero and veteran Justin Mapp will man the flanks and provide through-balls to the wily Italian head man.

    Projected Starters:
    White: (8) Di Vaio, Romero, Mapp, Felipe, Bernardello, Brovsky, Lefevre, Perkins
    black: Ferrari, Bernier, Camara
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2014
  2. frederic38

    frederic38 Hall of Famer

    Jun 22, 2011
    i love the "whitish" category :icon_lol:
    so far it seems to be the same as arab
    a black named ferrari, incredible but true
  3. Jack Lambert

    Jack Lambert Hall of Famer

    Jan 3, 2009
    Great job with these, Phall!! If you have time, I'd love to read the rest of them!
  4. Phall

    Phall Mentor

    Sep 19, 2012
    Got a bit busy and put these off for awhile. Here is the second chunk of team summaries; I'll try to finish off the league later this week.

    New York Red Bulls

    After winning its first trophy in team history for most league points, the Red Bulls front office has made a concerted effort toward becoming the blackest team in the league. The Red Bulls house only 12 Whites on its roster of 28, possess zero non-black strikers, and lack the personnel to deploy even a hypothetical White back four. The White rotation players (Steele, Alexander) are outnumbered by blacks Luyindola, Sekagya, and Japanese fullback Kosuke Kimura. Hometown hero and meathead coach Mike Petke is somewhat of a compensating rooting interest, since the contents of the roster seem to be dictated by cosmopolitan Scotsman director Andy Roxburgh, prissy legacy captain Thierry Henry, and the Austrian brand headquarters (which to date has sent over only Africans). The team finished a disappointing home draw against Chivas this weekend with just three White players on the pitch, leaving them with two points through four games after topping the league last season.

    Projected Starters:
    White: (4) McCarty, Armando, Convey, Eckersley
    Whitish: Cahill (half-Samoan)
    black: Henry, Olave, Sam, Miller, Wright-Philips
    mestizo: Robles

    Los Angeles Galaxy

    The Galaxy are trending more mestizo than in previous years by way of a heavy Brazilian presence. The team remains a perennial contender thanks to all-star contributions from top striker Robbie Keane and mainstay Landon Donovan. Former national team head coach Bruce Arena assures that the team will never lack for tactics. They have held form nicely since the MLS forced them to trade last year’s MVP Mike Magee to Chicago for the honor of facilitating homosexual Robbie Rogers, who could not hold a starting spot and has yet to even dress through three games this season.

    Projected Starters:
    White: (5) Keane, Donovan, Dunivant, Peneda, Marcelo Sarvas
    black: Samuel
    mestizo: Gonzalez, DeLaGarza, Leonardo, Juninho
    Asian: Ishizaki

    New England Revolution

    Led by second year coach and team veteran Jay Heaps, the Revolution look to duplicate last season’s playoff appearance with a young roster. Kelyn Rowe and Scott Caldwell, 22 and 23 respectively, are a promising tandem in the center of the midfield. Rookie attackers Steve Neumann and Patrick Mullins should hopefully push the black “starsâ€￾ for minutes, as the team returns very few goal-scorers. Unfortunately, the rest of the bench lacks White understudies.

    Projected Starters:
    White: (5) Knighton/Shuttleworth, Caldwell, Tierney, Rowe, Soares
    black: Bunbury, Farrell, Imbongo, Goncalves
    mestizo: Fagundez
    Asian: Nguyen

    Seattle Sounders
    Seattle shares a stadium and a rabid DWF fanbase with its NFL counterpart Seahawks. Leading the league in attendance by way of selling out an American football stadium, the Sounders shelled out big bucks last year to bring Clint Dempsey back to MLS. Seattle jettisoned several non-White starters over the winter and added veteran Americans Kenny Cooper and Chad Marshall. This is the most White-friendly iteration of this franchise in several years,

    Projected Starters:
    White: (5) Dempsey, Evans, Cooper, Marshall, Frei
    Whitish: Osvaldo Alonso (Cuban), Marco Pappa (Guatemalan)
    black: Martins, Yedlin, Anibaba
    mestizo: Gonzales

    Vancouver Whitecaps
    Vancouver brings in a trio of young South Americans (Laba from Argentina, Mezquida and Fernandez from Uruguay) to brighten the complexion of the squad. Leading scorer Kenny Miller returns as the lone striker up top. Although a couple of black players will be in rotation, this should be a decent team to support, depending on your gradations of the CONMEBOL players (who resemble something between Suarez and Tevez).

    Projected Starters:
    White: (6) Ousted, Miller, DeMerit, O’Brien, Harvey, Teibert
    Whitish: Beitashour (Persian)
    black: Reo-Coker
    mestizo: Matías Laba, Morales, Fernández

    Sporting Kansas City
    SKC, winners of last year’s MLS Cup, return with lofty expectations in the league and as a Caste favorite. Their elite defense features an all-White back line, including USMNT starter Matt Besler, emerging American fullback Chance Myers, and French bulldog Aurelien Collin. Fellow American international Graham Zusi is an established all-star on the wing, and Argentine striker Claudio Bieler returns as the leading goal-scorer.

    Projected Starters:
    White: (8) Zusi, Besler, Bieler, Oriol Rosell, Myers, Collin, Sinovic, Kronberg
    Whitish: Feilhaber (jewish)
    black: Sapong
    Asian: Nagamura (Japanese-Brazilian)
  5. Matra2

    Matra2 Master

    Jul 6, 2011
    Toronto FC brought in Michael Bradley and an aging Jermaine Dafoe who has been getting most of the attention. Apparently this (disgusting) commercial has been played all off season on Canadian TV.

    Jermaine Defoe: It's a bloody big deal


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